Welcome to the Creepy House
by KH Pwns My Soul
Summary: Riku's just another fat kid covered in chocolate. Sora's your neighborhood nymphomaniac. No one know's Axel is really a man, and Roxas has...nekomimi and ever present sunglasses! Everyone knows that love is already just one kinky disaster away from obl...
1. Another Fat Kid Covered In Chocolate

**Title: **Welcome to the Creepy House  
**Pairings:** Everyone X Everyone. Possible Orgy... I'm not kidding.  
**Summary:** AU. KH. M. HSFic. Crack Pairings. Serious Character Abominations. Pairing Reversals. Gender Bending. From Sora-Riku -- AkuRoku with many other pairings in between. (Got a suggestion? I'll consider it.) Soap Opera Style Drama.

Riku's just another fat kid covered in chocolate. Sora's your neighborhood nymphomaniac. No one know's Axel is really a man, and Roxas has...nekomimi and ever present sunglasses?! Everyone knows that love is already just one kinky disaster away from oblivion. And of course, what else could happen when the chocolate's all gone?

_Disclaimer:_ Viewer discretion is advised. You may experience serious insanity from reading the below material... But fuck I enjoyed writing it! And of _course_ Tetsuya Nomura is a 19yo girl who likens her/himself to a vampire. Didn't you know?

Note: Axel, got it memorized? Whoo, had to get that one out of the way before it crept into my plot. Sneaky bastard. YOU HELP NO ONE!

**Welcome to the Creepy House  
Chapter One: Just Another Chubby Kid Coated in Chocolate**

Today, and every other day, the world revolved around "maybe."

**XXX Welcome to the Creepy House XXX**

Maybe if he didn't need glasses. .. Maybe if he lost a few pounds... maybe if he could play sports... maybe if he wasn't so damn short... Maybe, maybe, maybe. But the maybes never came true and reality took a big bite out of his ass. There was no way Riku would ever be anything but the fat chocolate kid. And he was. Maybe he wasn't obese, but it would take a serious imagination to envision a six pack. Maybe he wasn't the smartest kid in school, but his horn-rims made him look like a nerd. Maybe he wasn't short, just adored by gravity. Or maybe not.

Riku sighed and tugged on the hem of his shirt. It was nice that his school felt that students deserved an "identity"; read- no uniforms. Maybe _too_ nice. Maybe it was nice to the point of being perversely _un-nice._ Either way, Riku just didn't feel the love. His belly didn't stick out that far, but it stuck out far enough so that no shirt ever lay exactly the way he wanted it too. All of his clothes managed to make him look like a rollypolly. And he daren't wear any sort of color; he'd survived one fruit-likening incident. A repeat was unnecessary. But all that black managed to do was make him look like a sort of pasty creepy kid. His hair color didn't help much either. If he wasn't compared to a short, round, old man at least once a day the universe would fall out of the sky. Maybe things would be different if he dyed his hair. Or maybe not.

Well. It didn't matter. It was time for school.

**XXX Welcome to the Creepy House XXX**

"Hey baby, want to hit the sack later?"

SMACK.

Tsk. Tsk. He wouldn't even rate her smack a ten. Her body? Maybe a six. But as long as six remained greater then five she was within Sora's dating pool. Or sex pool. Really they were synonymous. It wasn't his fault he had been born the proverbial sex-god; blame his mom. Subversively, it wasn't his fault that he took advantage of his innocent looks to prey on women. And men. Well prey is harsh, he made sure they enjoyed it too. And, even though Sora was quite the nympho, he made sure everyone knew up front that he wasn't in it for the long haul. If he broke a few hearts along the way it wasn't because no one knew what was going on.

_"Why wont you go out with me?"_

_Sora looked a bit uncomfortably at yet another girl he knew all too intimately. She __was__ pretty cute. Would it be so bad just to go out with her? Maybe she'd stop crying then._

_Sighing, Sora ruffled a hand through his hair. "Sorry babe, but you wouldn't like it. I'm not in love with you, and you don't really like me all that much either. Don't worry, you'll find somebody else." _

It was always the same. He'd sleep with someone and then they'd think they had some kind of right to him. How silly. He didn't think he'd ever begin to understand people's emotions.

BRING. BRING.

Ahahh, slamming his car door closed Sora sighed. Late for the first day. Oh well. Like his motto said, on time or never. And since he was already late...Laughing he jogged towards the ball field to catch up with his old friends.

**XXX Welcome to the Creepy House XXX**

Blonde this year? Axel had always fancied being blonde. Last year had been black, the year before brunette. And this was his senior year. Shouldn't he do something amazing?

Maybe he'd tell everyone he was a man.

Haha, no. That's a little too extreme. Looking down at the wigs alighting his vanity Axel bit a juicy lip in concentration. Hm... would blonde be a good idea? He didn't know if he had enough dye left for his eyebrows.

"MERR!" Axel twitched a bit at the sound and turned around, hissing.

"Youuuu--."

And there it was, the bane of his existence. Cat. A hideous tabby who had somehow grown attached to Axel. Almost like mold, or a deadly fungus. He hated the thing with the passion of a thousand suns, and somehow never had the heart to get rid of it either. Maybe it was a way to remind him that he was, in fact, a man. Maybe it was God's way of saying "Get your shit together or I'll turn you into the crazy cat woman in block C." Maybe he was really a soft hearted person under all the foundation. Or maybe not.

"OUT!" He screamed, and unthinkingly threw the nearest object. His best blonde wig.

Cat dodged around the flying dead cell mass and jumped to perch himself atop a dresser. His look clearly stated that he thought Axel looked ridiculous. Sidetracked from strangling the mangy stray Axel turned to look at himself in the mirror. He did look a bit odd, his face neatly made up, wearing a pair of form fitting jeans and a snug top over a padded bra. From the neck down he looked like a woman, but from the face up he looked like a...transvestite.

Sighing he leaned against the counter of his vanity. He'd worn girls clothes ever since he was young, feeling much more secure in them then in male clothes. He supposed it had something to do with his very red hair and very white skin. Afraid of being picked on he had found solstice in women's clothing. Throughout his life only a select few had known of his real gender, and he liked it that way.

"It's the confidence. I ain't got any." Sighing he ran a hand dejectedly through his hair and realized it had gotten longer over the summer...Longer? Taking another peek in the mirror Axel was shocked to find that his hair had actually grown down near his shoulders. Maybe..

"Perhaps we'll try red this year..."

**XXX Welcome to the Creepy House XXX**

"Are those... cat ears??"  
"...Leather-?"  
"He's kind of cute but-."  
"No way! Look, he's got sunglasses, do you think he's blind?!"  
"Don't be stupid, he's walking-!"

Well, really. Had he expected something different? He'd put the sunglasses on himself this morning. And the nekomimi...well... those just never came off. It was his shield. He never wanted to look anyone in the eyes, and with the way he looked, no one ever did. It helped that the only types of outfits that went with nekomimi and sunglasses were on the punkier side. So maybe he clanked a bit when he walked; he liked the chains. Maybe he looked like he had a bondage fetish, but he didn't. Maybe everyone knew it was all just a big joke to him; his faith in the human race was declining. Or maybe not.

It was more likely that everyone just saw a new transfer freak who looked like he'd walked off the cover of a rock magazine... with cat ears. Maybe somewhere in the bottom of his heart it hurt a little, but not much. Really he thought it was funny how only he knew that without his outer image he would have been labeled the nerd type. He loved to read, and he loved math, and art, and everything like that. Maybe this year he wouldn't pretend to be stupid and actually take off his sunglasses once in a while.

**XXX Welcome to the Creepy House XXX**

No, for all involved... this year was going just like any other. Maybe things would be different. Or maybe not.


	2. Ah Aladdin, You Slay Me

**Title: **Welcome to the Creepy House  
**Pairings:** Everyone X Everyone. Possible Orgy... I'm not kidding.  
**Summary:** AU. KH. M. HSFic. Crack Pairings & Normal Pairings. Serious Character Abominations. Pairing Reversals. Gender Bending. From Sora-Riku -- AkuRoku with many other pairings in between. (Got a suggestion? I'll consider it.) Soap Opera Style Drama.

Riku's just another fat kid covered in chocolate. Sora's your neighborhood nymphomaniac. No one know's Axel is really a man, and Roxas has...nekomimi and ever present sunglasses?! Everyone knows that love is already just one kinky disaster away from oblivion. And of course, what else could happen when the chocolate's all gone?

_Disclaimer:_ Viewer discretion is advised. You may experience serious insanity from reading the below material... But fuck I enjoyed writing it! And of _course_ Tetsuya Nomura is a 19yo girl. Didn't you know?

Author's Note: So... I hear you like... wabbits.

**Welcome to the Creepy House  
Chapter Two: Ah Aladdin, You Slay Me**

BAM BAM BAM.

"Who'safuck-wha-? I'mup... Zzz..."

BAM BAM BAM.

"Fuck. Alright, alright, I'm awake!"

For good measure Sora jumped on the metal bleacher with one more resounding BAM, earning a glare from his best friend. Well, Sora called him best friend anyways. Who really knew what Demyx was thinking.

"What the fuck man!?" He shouted, thrusting hair out of his eyes as he sat up.

Sora pushed a cup of coffee under his nose. "Here, I brought sustenance."

Demyx eagerly grabbed the java and Sora sat next to him, his own drink in his hand. Demyx took a long sip and then sighed in delight. Sora watched with a sort of smirk grin on his face. Really, Demyx couldn't function with at least one cup of coffee. Everyone refused to ride carpool with him to school for just this reason. It was still a mystery how he managed to make it to the campus intact.

"Dude, I don't know how you do it. The cafeteria ladies always make me pay extra. Wish I could get free coffee," Demyx said as he sipped his coffee again, this time a bit slower.

Sora grinned and winked on of his killer winks at Demyx. "You are getting it for free, stupid. And anyways, you've just got to know hah ta chahm dah lahdies."

Demyx's laugh ruined Sora's suave smile and he looked crestfallen. "Awe, mans. You don't have to be such a meanie face."

"Dude, cut the shit; I know your black heart. That mamby pamby crap ain't gonna work on me."

"It did once!" Sora laughed and winked at Demyx again who had the decency to blush. He had been a Freshman to Sora's Sophomore and unaware of Sora's baby face charm and killer reputation. Sooner then he could blink they had been doing the horizontal tango and he had _liked_ it. Sora had been his first gay sexual experience and it had opened his eyes to a whole new world. For a while he had felt betrayed when he found out that Sora really had no desire to be in a relationship after that. He'd been confused, and silly, and yadda yadda yadda. But Demyx was pretty sure that now he was one of the few people that really got to see the _real_ Sora. Really, the boy hardly interacted with anyone when he wasn't sleeping with them. How did he do it?

Demyx was convinced if he could figure it out, he would have solved the mystery of life.

"Hey, so where's Sexxxy Lexxxy this morning?" Sora asked in a husky voice, his eyes dancing. Demyx slid him a sort of odd glance, smiling. "The usual, probably."

"Ah, the usual." He repeated. As if that said it all. And it did.

**XXX Welcome To The Creepy House XXX **

Well, he'd made it through first period. And second... and third... Really, classes were all the same. But, since he was trying to recreate his image at a new school of being the non caring punk type, he had to try extra hard not to pay attention. Really, trying hard not to pay attention. That just sounded...Lame.

CRASH.

Roxas realized sometime around then that it wasn't particularly exciting or fun to run face first into a metal locker. In fact, it was the exact _opposite_ of fun... and it hurt. A lot.

"Oh shit, sorry dude."

Roxas opened his eyes to a quartet of pink colored flowers with faces. No, wait. As his head stopped spinning Roxas realized that they were _not_ flowers, but actually men. Or... man. A startlingly pink haired man.

"Wait... what? What just happened?"

"I think my locker just kicked your ass."

A hand was offered to him and Roxas took it, still a little in shock. This person... looked gayer then daisies. In fact, he looked like a daisy. But he had the voice of a linebacker. Did. Not. Compute. On top of that, the guy was acting just like any other man Roxas had ever met. As if it were perfectly reasonable for a flower man hybrid to have pink hair and walk on two legs like a normal human. Roxas watched in piqued interest as the man began nonchalantly switching out books from his locker into his backpack and vise versa. He looked like a woman. The way his clothes hung, his facial features, his posture... everything. If Roxas hadn't heard him speak he would be sure this person was really a woman.

"Hey...Do you know you look like a chick?"

It was out of his mouth before he even had a chance to blink. But, what's said is said and he really did want to know so he didn't bother apologizing.

The pink haired flower-man-looking-woman propped his hand on one slim hip and batted perfectly curled pink eyelashes. "Why, babe, you want to go somewhere?"

It was wrong. All wrong. This guy was Hulk Hogan wearing some poor woman's skin. Was he a cannibal? Do cannibals end up wearing the skin of the people they eat? Just for precaution Roxas took one giant step back. He was aware that he wasn't being subtle at all. And he was aware that this she-man flower thing was aware what he was doing also. But, it's better to be safe then sorry.

"I'm not going to eat you." Said the deep baritone.

"They all say that. I've seen horror movies before."

Roxas wouldn't have believed this person could get any creepier, but he had been wrong. Vastly wrong. When this person laughed it was definitely worthy of a skin crawl or two. Perhaps that's how he did it... Laughed until some chick's skin crawled all the way off her body and then he took it. This thought warranted another step back, only to be halted by the stranger's amused voice.

"Marluxia. What's with the shades?"

The same hand as earlier was extended into the gap between them and Roxas eyed it warily. He had taken it before and survived but who knew... Well, he supposed if his skin crawled away on it's own he really wouldn't want to be attached to it anyways. The comment about his eye wear, however, would not be tolerated. Or answered.

Instead, he clutched the man's hand, giving it a firm shake, and answered with a smarmy: "Roxas. What's with the hair?"

The guy laughed again and Roxas was seriously unpleased to find that this person's laugh was growing on him. Like a mushroom. A moldy mushroom. A dank, stinky, moldy, mushroom.

"Touché."

Later on, Roxas would blame drugs, or booze, or plain lack of common sense for the reason why he fell into step next to Marluxia. But he ended up doing just that.

"What's your next class?"

"Self-Study."

"Library. Me too."

"Ah."

They continued on down the hall corridors, converging with the rest of the flow of mass humanity. Upon reaching the library, it seemed only natural that they would pick seats next to each other. Book bags were thrown into unoccupied chairs to avoid being occupied by others... Books were withdrawn and strewn about the wood table... And both promptly fell asleep.

Before snoozing, however, Roxas looked strangely at the pink haired flower knight occupying the body of his own princess and wondered. Were they now friends? It seemed so. Roxas didn't particularly mind. He was sure that being friends with this fellow was much safer. For now, everything seemed to be okay.

Well. Maybe.

**XXX Welcome To The Creepy House XXX **

Red seemed to have been a good choice for this year. As per usual Axel was surrounded by admirers of the male variety. As per usual Axel batted curly eyelashes with just the right amount of flirt to melt a few hearts. As per usual no one noticed that his voice had gotten a little lower, his legs a little longer, or his lack of breasts. As per usual no one noticed the fact he was actually a man.

A cute blonde girl with a nice complexion hooked her arm through his with a giggling smile. Somehow Axel had been leeched onto and had acquired himself a new "BFF".

"Hey Lexy," She purred provocatively for the benefit of their male audience. "Do you have anybody to go to the homecoming game with? No one has asked me yet." A perfectly pink lip was pouted beautifully and some poor fool passed out in the background from blood loss through the nose.

Axel shook his head with a rueful smile. What was this girl up to? He had never really been the type that other girls got along with. Some ulterior motive perhaps?

"Want to go with me? Sora's supposed to be playing right?"

Ah. Bingo.

Axel made a sort of soft giggling sound, placing his fingers to open quivering lips. As he bit one delicately long finger in mock concentration another poor sap had to be wheeled out on a gurney.

"Hmmm... I think he's playing. Not sure, I haven't talked to him since we got back."

The blonde leaned a little heavier on him and Axel began to feel a bit uncomfortable. Really, why didn't she just go talk to Sora on her own? He definitely wouldn't say no. Maybe she was new.

"Oh please, Lexy, say you'll go with me? I'm so shy...Please? Oh please say yes?" Her arms wrapped around Axel's neck in what he assumed was her try at girly friendship. As he was wiggled up and down in uncomfortable fangirlish hops from this stubborn sweet tart Axel sighed inwardly. The only way he could think of getting her to let go would be to ascend to her request. Not like he really needed to protect Sora, the bastard would enjoy knowing he had been relentlessly molested by one of his admirers.

"Ooh, okay, I guess I can go."

"Oh really? Wonderful!"

With a glomp-hug combo that was of no surprise to Axel breasts were rubbed against what onlookers believed were breasts and the supposed lesbian action was just too much for some members of the audience. Later, as Axel was trying to escape the clutches of a certain blonde the infirmary staff would be cursing "Sexy Lexy" into the ground.

**XXX Welcome To The Creepy House XXX **

He had, once again, misplaced his glasses. Misplaced, of course, was code word to lost forever into the abyss. He had no idea how he had managed to lose his glasses, seeing as he always needed to wear them to be able to see and therefore would never take him off. Had they just fallen off and wandered away? Jumped off and wandered away would seem more likely. Or less likely. Really, would he be considered of sane in mind to have imbued his glasses with a theoretical soul? And possible limbs? No? Groping around his desk, as he was now blinder then a bat, and without the sonar, Riku knew he looked like a fool. But he didn't really care since he always looked a bit foolish.

"Where the fuck did I put those things?"

A pair of horn rims were shoved under his nose, close enough so even he could see what they were.

"These yours?"

The questions must have been rhetorical, since the person wouldn't be shoving them in Riku's face if they didn't believe these were his glasses. As such, Riku refused a retort and instead plucked his glasses away from whoever it was that was holding them. Along these lines he carefully replaced his glasses on his face and looked up to see who exactly it was that had returned his precious eyesight.

Riku didn't know the person, which was rare. Perhaps a different grade? His school was a ladder school, and most everyone who was in his graduating class had been so since Pre-K. He was male, tall, slender, black hair, but slate blue eyes. Really, the hair and eyes just didn't seem to match. Was that seriously his natural hair color? Or were those contacts?

"Aren't you going to say 'thank you'?"

Riku paused for a moment in his appraisal of the new guy. Would he say thank you? Probably. Just because he was in a bad mood didn't mean he should be rude. He didn't even understand why he was in a bad mood. Was it because school had started again and he was once more reminded of his social standing... or lack thereof? Maybe.

"Yes. Thank you. Thank you for finding my glasses."

This seemed to be not what the other had been expecting if the raise eyebrow was any indication. Well, for all Riku knew the stranger could have been raising both eyebrows. But since half of his face was covered by a curtain of jet black hair, who knows.

"Emo?"

Once again one eyebrow, or possibly two, went up. And then the finder-of-glasses-guy laughed a little. It was then that Riku noticed that his new acquaintance wasn't exactly hard on the eyes. Anything but really. But that was neither here nor there, Riku really wasn't interested in a relationship. Or so he told himself.

"I guess I was going for the emo look. My name is Zexion. So you're the chocolate kid."

It was all said in a kind of soft smirking lilt. Riku flushed at the soft teasing undertone and of a horribly repressed memory. Not the chocolate.

"We do not speak of the chocolate."

This startled out a full on laugh from Zexion. Although his soft chuckle had sounded just fine, his laugh sounded a bit rusty, as if he hadn't done it in a while. A long fingered hand flew to cover his mouth as he choked back the laugh.

"What's your name? Or should I just call you Coco?"

Was it another rhetorical question? If he knew about the chocolate he must already know Riku's name, but Riku couldn't help feeling a bit flustered. He had never really met anyone like this Zexion person, and he was a bit intrigued. Why was Zexion talking to him? Riku wasn't so low as to be bully bait, but people from other classes or grades had never really searched him out for a chat.

"Riku. Did you need something?" It sounded a bit like an accusation and Riku felt a little bad but he didn't really care. Games were for children. Well, saying it like that made him sound like an old man. And he didn't really mind _regular_ games. He just didn't like drama styled games. Monopoly, say, or poker games though-.

"I was wondering if you'd like to go out on a date."

Riku was cut off mid-thought and his brain clunked to a stop. Wait... what? His confusion must have shown on his face because Zexion chuckled again. Resting his head on one hand he leaned forward until his face was mere inches away from Riku, slate eye twinkling.

"I'll take that as a yes."

**XXX Welcome To The Creepy House. XXX**

Author's Note: Ah, chapter two. This one was... written while... intoxicated? No, but I was very tired while I wrote this. Ah well, I love how it turned out. Uh... Also I've recently started a livejournal and I want all of you to add me. I'll always be posting stuff there first so you'd get to read my wonderful horribly written fics there early. And I'm lonely (pout pout) No, but really. I'll be writing a few things that aren't going to be uploaded here that will be there. Ahh rambles. Anyways, add me pwnpheets(dot)livejournal(dot)com.


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